My other (not-so-new) habit that has been called to light is what Chaz calls My Need to Be Right and what I call My Need to Have No One Be Upset with Me. This condition is usually manifested through the qualifying phrase "I mean," or "That's Not What I'm Saying" or any other quick mouthful that might negate the unpleasant sting of someone reacting adversely to an opinion of mine they disagree with.
I really have no idea how this started. I'm sure it has something to do with my Dad being in a really bad mood for this part of my life I like to call Growing Up and then the subsequent revelation that folks don't really like loud-mouthed sissies. It's my passive aggressiveness coming out; What is the answer that everyone wants to hear so that there's no yelling and no hurt feelings? Then there's the thought that if someone is pissed off; how pissed off are they and how fast can we just get them to be happy again?
In all honestly I thought of these speech addendum's as clarification. A little present at the end of something negative that would let the receiver of my message know that even though I'm probably calling them the stupidest person in the world, I really don't want them to slash my tires for it, so I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt on the fact that someone, somewhere finds their life and opinions valuable. Later, when I felt like everyone hated me, and my brain was addled for lack of food i did this so that I wouldn't have to fight with anyone about anything. And then sometimes I can come across far more harshly or negatively than I mean to and so I started using these little "endings" as a kind of buffer in college.
How naive is it to think that "clarification" will really make the person I'm talking to stop looking at me like I'm the biggest bastard in the world?
Words, written down on the other hand I find far less faulty. The written word provides ample opportunity for us to revise, to clarify and to make "better", even though this too is also subjective. Writing allows us to go back and change a word here or there so that we can say what we need to say exactly how we want to say it. Writing also lets us play with the language, much like a jigsaw. Each piece must be in its exact place for the puzzle or sentence to work. So while there is a finiteness to words on a page, in black and white, it has a certain grace. And once it's all there on the page in black and white, there is no taking it back and really no refutation. It's so much easier to do it that way. You can plan out what you want to say, and you don't have to deal with a staring a person in the face should you happen to fall on opposite sides of the fence.
Having written all of this, I know that really saying those things makes me a coward. But I so rarely see that because I hate (HATE) to think of myself that way. But also writing this, somewhere deep inside of me is that little kid who just wants to avoid the yelling or hurt that comes along with someone being angry. If we all put as much thought into speaking as we are allowed to put into writing wouldn't communicating be better all around? In the end, I suppose this is my new goal. I don't have to be pleasing. All I have to do is think about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it.
No comments:
Post a Comment