Gratitude Journal

I came home tonight and fell asleep. At 5. Benevolent slumber. My grandmother slept like this when she was dying of cancer. The worse the assault on her body, the more she slept. The only respite. I don't have a brain tumor and I've only craved sleep like this one other time in my life. It was the only time I could stop thinking and breathe. I was a freshman in college. I was gay and scared in one of the most conservative colleges in the nation. I was fighting against something I couldn't change, and losing the battle. I had few people to trust and gossip and rumor were clouding around me. 

This week, teachers in DISD found out that 700 of us were going to lose our jobs. All I could see was my rent and bills (I pay those alone, because I live alone), as well as my student loan repayments and my new car payments. The car that i bought on the condition that I was going to be certified and get my raise and what not. The mis-management seems to fun far and deep. Once again I feel thrown to the wolves, something else to conquer and survive. Frankly I am a weary worrier, and even though I usually thrive on the fight, I find myself not wanting to have to fight this battle. Should it come to that I will, make no mistake, I came in fighting and it's all i do really well. 

Now this I must do this; I must list three things I am grateful for:

1. My friends and their saving grace. I am loved even when I don't deserve it. There is no word for my over-flowing heart.

2. I have some money in savings, and I am learning from long, hard mistakes. So many people do not.

3. I am respected at work and it is starting to show. No matter the outcome I know that I've done a good thing. 

4. I am grateful that it always works out. I am, somehow, always taken care of. I imagine that's Divinity and I am sure I do not deserve a fraction of the care  from above that I get. 

Nail Biter

We got the news today that in light of a budget error we hand no control over, that other teachers and myself and our school staff are facing job cuts. Serious and eminent job cuts, so that the budget can be stabilized this year. I totally understand the need for a balanced budget and for taking steps to rectify a situation, but shouldn't this have been avoided with better management? 

I go to work everyday and I deal with students who are marginalized because their parents are to an extent as well. Most of my parents are either too busy (some are too lazy) to have children. They are working several jobs and are busy trying to keep body and soul together to pay attention to their children. After being told to be quiet constantly my kids (and by that I mean students) are acting out in class and constantly talking and wanting my attention. I'm really glad that they like me enough this year. It's flattering, really. But I have to be honest, if I wanted kids, I'd be straight or better yet married or what not. On top of that I can't actually get my work done, so that I take it home, most nights and many weekends. I know teachers have more vacation time and we get pretty good pay, but we have to be parents to these kids and teachers. On top of 8 hours with no break, we then spend another 2 or 3 hours and more time in between doing the leg work for the daylight hours. Now, they're telling me that no matter what, I might not have a job. Accounting error. 

There has been no talk of pay cuts for the upper level staff who are making over $100,000 a year (double my salary) or fundraising or philanthropy. Why don't we examine a few things first? In any case, I'm trying not to freak out, and realize there is always a silver lining and a reason. I still go to work tomorrow and for the next few weeks at least. It will be OK. 

Rainy Day

I've been up since 730 and already been half-heartedly to the gym. I dragged my self through two rounds of my circuit and 2 mins on the treadmill. My head feels like my brain must be hemmoraging. Then I made breakfast and am having more coffee. I really just want a rainy day. I feel like all I've done since the last week of August is "go". Austin, McAllen, the first 3 weeks of school and going and doing has just got me praying for a day like today. Even if I did promise folks I'd go out tonite, my mild hangover from last night is making that option an even less attractive option. 

I hate disappointing people or having them upset with me (you know, unless I hate them, or really could give a rat's ass) but I know running myself ragged isn't the answer either. I love rainy days. Soup simmering for hours on the stove, a cup of coffee or tea, a good book, and curling up with movies on the couch. Today that's what I really want. Who knows. 

Thoughts in the Dark

I'm not sure why I find pillow talk so appealing. You know, the sweet whisper of conversation that happens, 2 people laying side by side, looking up through the darkness at the ceiling, trying to put order to the day's thoughts and feelings. 

There is comfort in the cover of darkness. It's almost as if you can give voice and life to your inner most feelings, hopes and fears, without repercussion. These pieces of your soul are given life and then, released into the darkness, hover over you and then are swallowed by the night. It's the most revealing tale of intimacy between two people. No matter if they lovers or best friends, sometimes both. Depending on the players it's a matter of nuance, a matter of word choice: Pillow Talk, Gossip, Girl-Talk, Confession. No matter the name I'm thankful for the cover of darkness that makes sure my unmasked soul remains intact. 

Week End

So it occurred to me last night that I probably hadn't been very clear about how Mom was doing post-heart attack. We are in fact very blessed and lucky. Even though Mom's coronary artery was completely blocked, the doctors only had to put in one stent to open the blockage. Luckily they didn't have to crack her chest either, they did it through angioplasty, which has really helped with her recovery. 

Even better, Mom and Dad have really changed their diet and have been working out pretty hardcore since Jan. Better than the fact that Mom doesn't really have the change her diet, her body was in shape enough, I believe that it has recovered quickly. Mom came home around 4 Thursday afternoon, and was pretty mobile and, has been, (even in the ICU) in really great spirits. My brother, sister and I got her a little lab puppy (we have two labs that have become her babies since we all moved out) and her response was "Oh, should we name him Coronary? Or miocardio infarction?" Apparently I'm sick on both sides...

The worst thing for her so far is some brusing from the angioplasty and mild fatigue during the afternoon. I leave tomorrow and my Aunt Kim is coming today to stay the week. My mom's other sister will come next week and stay for however long she needs. We're really really lucky and I'm very blessed to have the friends I do. Even though "Thank you" isn't enough, right now it's all I can do. So to my friends who read this, Thank you

So Called Life

I'm pretty ready to get back to my life. Today, I watched "Home for the Holidays", the Holly Hunter, Robert Downey Jr. movie where she goes home for Thanksgiving and hilarity/family drama ensues. I totally sympathize. I don't like coming home, mostly because after 3 days I've done all I can do and then the boredom sets in. That and even though my cousins live here, it's pretty much a forgone conclusion that we're not gonna hang out. Apparently I'm not "cool" (toolie) enough. 

So tonight I did the oldest child thing. The preview for when my parents are senile and infirm, the preview for my middle age and my parents' old age. But I'm really, really ready to go home. I don't sleep well here anymore, without my pillows and my bed and my things. These are just ghosts and memories and they make for disconcerting bedfellows. 

I'm glad it's not worse though. Ten years ago, after I had just learned to drive, I stood with my hands on my hips and told my grandmother, who was gasping for breath (she had been the night before too) that we were going to the hospital, and she didn't want me to have to kick her ass. After her sabbatical from my Papa for a few weeks, it was discovered that she needed a triple bypass. I was there for the ICU, and for the aftermath; the times when it was just Grandma, Papa and me. There were blow-ups and rows. After telling my Papa he was being an asshole, enduring his mental breakdown and having to call my Uncle to "come help me NOW," I went home. I've paid my dues. I'm the "responsible one". That is my niche, albeit a wearing one. I'm not ready to be the leader, the decision maker, the patriarch. I'm enjoying being 25, with no kids and a disposable income. I finally can be responsible and not have to worry about where the next meal comes from. So here's the countdown to home. Things are back to normal or getting there and I'll keep going, so that Mom and Dad keep going. Counting the blessings that this isn't worse. There are no breakdowns or having to help anyone bathe or walk, just pick up the slack when they both get tired. 

I know I said I'd write more this week, but...

This has been one of those weeks that I surely must have made happen when I wrote on Monday that I had nothing going on. This has been one of those weeks that makes me hesitant to blog, you know the whole revealing the inner-workings of my soul, and I don't want this to sound like a pity party. But sometimes the inner-workings of the soul make for a really good story, and I've had lots of time to work my innards this week...

Tuesday around 11:30 I got a call to my cell phone from my brother. In fact I got about 2 calls and a text message before the phone rang again in my hand. I answer it (in the middle of teaching my class) only to be told that my mother, who is 52, was in the hospital having a heart attack. The irony is I've been waiting for the phone call for years, but I'd always thought it would be my mom calling to tell me that Dad had had one. In any case, that's the last thing I really remember super clearly. All I had the presence of mind to do was call my dad. I wasn't even really all that worried. So I call dad trying to figure out what in the Sam Hill was happening and all my big, tough, super hard-ass father can tell me (in between sobs, no less) was that they are working on Mom and that he'd gotten to tell her he loved her. This is my What The Fuck moment, the moment of panic and fear and God knows what else. I calmly hung up the phone, went across the hall, told my girlfriend what was happening and that I had no idea what to do and after that I got escorted from my classroom and my principal told me to get the hell out. So then I spent forever on the phone. I'm really lucky to have my friends. Someone called me a flight while I packed (and considering they haven't known me this long, makes them doing so all the more remarkable), then Sean and Caitlin drove me to the airport and I was in McAllen by 5. So were Ben and Erin. 

I've said before that I always thought my brother would crumble, he'd be the mess. You know, I didn't really fall apart but I couldn't get clear, I couldn't focus. I bought a book at the airport and couldn't even turn the pages. Mercifully I passed out for half the trip. I always thank God for the mercy that he just let's me go until I can't any longer and then I can sleep. Pass out, collapse, anything but think. 

Even though Mom's coronary artery was 100% blocked, we're lucky. She and Dad have been on a strict diet for the past 9 mos. and working out regularly. They only had to put in one stint. I'd been imagining them Grey's Anatomy-ing her chest open. My parents raised strong kids. That's the second blessing. Dad fell apart but he was mean enough and strict enough and pushed enough while we were growing up that we, us 3, our little triumvirate, we were OK. We were together, and we took care of Dad. Whatever regrets he may have, my Dad shouldn't worry too much, because we'll be OK. 

So today I'm just waiting. Mom should be "out of jail" by 4 and then we'll see. I'm just waiting to make sure, because I have to manipulate and touch and control. I'll be back to real life Sunday, maybe even Saturday. So there it is, not in the gory detail it was experienced, but rather the dim sensations, the echos of the week. 

Second one for the day...

I love the fact that Sarah Palin's daughter has looser morals, or at least the morals of our generation, or you know... I don't know how I feel about Ms. Palin in general, I have no opinion about her, but being raised in a Republican household I can say a bit about the fact that Republicans like to the the moral barometer of the country. 

As a teacher I understand that today's parents (many of them younger than I am) are having trouble teaching their kids the things that my parents taught their kids. You know, the little things like telling the truth, being nice to one another, knowing that you could do anything. My kids don't have that kind of parent, at least not many of them do. This is so pervasive that in 2001 President Bush and Ted Kennedy decided to pass No Child Left Behind. What I thought was one of the wonderful pillars of NCLB at the time, has become one of the pillars I disagree with the most. Character Education, added to the responsibility of teachers means that not only do we have to teach US children their ABC's, but we also have to teach things that should be learned in the home, like telling the truth and not being a ho. If I wanted kids, I'd totally have them or adopt them or be a Big Brother. 

Now being the daughter of Mama Republico I'm sure that Bristol Palin (maybe she was born in England?) was raised with values similar to mine. I'm also sure that being close to 18, she was pretty sure of what she was doing, I mean who doesn't know everything at 18?  Here's what I admire; that Mama Republico isn't hiding this, and that Daughter Republico is going to marry her baby daddy and raise her baby. I mean if Jaime Lynn can do it who can't ya'll? We find out that just like the rest of us, Republicans are human, and this is refreshing for someone in the Presidential Race. 

Here's what I don't like: I think Lil' Miss Republico is setting herself up for failure. I mean I know I don't want to get married now at 25 with no kids or anything. I think it's a little fool-hardy to buy into the fairy tale so young, before you can experience more than one man's penis (or one woman's vagina for that matter). I mean, we're totally conditioned that at 16 Snow White fell in love with her man and they never had any problems. In fact I don't trust a marriage that doesn't have visible issues, since that isn't the kind of house I grew up in. I also do not like the fact that Ms. Palin is not using this to her advantage, that she is probably still going to try to be the moral barometer for the country. 

I also do not like the fact that Ms. Palin is a privileged daughter of a public figure. Even if our candidates are rags to riches, they are always wealthy and moneyed when they run and are in office, even Lincoln. What does this say to Silly Sally, the average US daughter without health care, a baby daddy and a trust fund? Is motherhood still going to be the cinch that Jaime Lynn claims it is (I have a million dollars, ya'll, and now I can play the slut in movies, cha-ching...yay motherhood!)? Just a thought, but instead of people throwing stones into glass houses I'd say just make sure your kids know to wrap it up, no matter what you think you've taught them. 

Apparently I'm a blogger dork...

Yes, I read the comments. I love them! Leave me some, let me know who's reading. Sorry for not really getting to this last week. It was the first week of school and I forget how absolutely exhausting it is. Not only did I crash most nights on the couch last week but I slept most of the way to and from Austin this weekend and got about 11 hours of sleep last night, if that gives you any idea of what the week was like. 

I don't really have a lot going on right now, well at least not a ton that I'm totally willing to share, but let's see... we went to Austin this weekend, Caitlin and Sean and I. We stayed in Hyde Park right north of UT and I got to relive some of my childhood. I never realize how much I miss Austin until I go home. I even got to have Round Rock Donuts. I'll never admit it, but I am lucky to have grown up there, and it's funny how much of a small town it still seems when you step off of I35 and away from the new tollroad that is beginning to ring Austin. I only wish I had gotten to see Ben and Erin. How's that for sentimental? 

Today has been good. After a great wake up (later than normal no less) I was semi-productive and went to the Farmers Market, came home and am now enjoying coffee (again). That and watching the Closer, this is basically heaven. Too bad I have to go to the gym, or do laundry or lesson plans.  I even left work at school that I forgot to take home. This is ridiculous. Being a super committed, Jaime Escalante-esque teacher is hard hard work. I guess that is why we get salaries. So for this week: school, gym and doing a bit of this and that. Thursday I'm doing this Au-Courant group with the Dallas Institute of Humanities and Culture. If you read this and want details you should come (open bar!). I also get to break in new loafers I got at Banana Republic (for $17!). This is a slow blog week. We'll talk about news-worthy events later this week. On an up note looks like Gustav missed NOLA. Have a good week.