"Hope for the Furture..."

This entry is going to be a little more confessional than I'd like. I generally like to use this to be my sounding board, my commentary, my soap box. I don't like to reveal the inner-workings of whatever soul I have. Not to anyone. It's taken my friends years to dig down as deep as some of them have gotten. Years, you know like digging for Giza. 

So anyway...I've been dating someone for a while now. It's basically a record for me, someone who sticks around long enough and doesn't mind the crazy. Here's the rub, the last time this happened I ended up feeling so manipulated and broken that my soul crawled on its knees like a beaten whore for two years. I vowed never to let anyone completely in ever again. So basically I cancelled out the possibility of any relationship. I don't mind this, I'm not really that open anyway, not even with my parents. For me hearts are meant to keep secrets not reveal them. 

Don't you love twisted soul history? The thing is no one man did this to me, this is a consequence of life of years of having to be perfect of having to be the best. But I hate that I've started making plans, I have turned into We and We've started making plans. I hate that. I'm used to doing "Me" things and I hate wanting to do "We" things. I hate it because I'm starting to give parts of myself to another person and it's freaking me out. 

The bigger question is why do we plan? Why do you meet someone and start making plans? Why does it feel so good to have a partner, a friend, a possibility? As scary as it is for me to start doing this again, as often as I have to tell myself to exhale, I can't stop myself. You tell yourself "if" and "when". Why is it that we only do this with people that we want to stick around say...forever? We really don't deserve to make any plans, for any reason. We're not in control, He is. So making plans is really just hoping for the possibility of the future.