I had any number of misgivings when I started this school year in August and I had stayed at my campus in the misguided hope that if I could just "do it better," things would be better. I had hoped that if i changed my attitude and outlook, kept my expectations high and gritted my teeth that I would some how make a good impression. My first year as a teacher was less than stellar, and my principal had taken much into account when renewing my contract, so I felt that I not only owed it to myself but to her to be better and that by "being better", I would some how land on her right hand side.
The thing is this: just like the abused woman, the one picking herself up off the floor, having trouble breathing because her husband has just kicked her and broken a rib, I'm beginning to come to the realization that there are no rules. No matter how pretty I smile, how clean I keep the house (classroom) or how well I raise our kids (teach my students), I will still have to walk on egg shells, and wait until the beatings start all over again.
Even more like the most desperate of housewives, I hang on to the kind words and wishes. I stay for the kids, and for that fact that right now, in the working world, I have relatively few options and no place to go.
I think, though, that I'll have to be like Tina Turner. The only thing my insecure, fickle, no-good excuse for a boss, understands is bullying, because that is all she knows how to do. So I'm going to square my shoulders, carry my load and fight like hell to keep going because right that's the best I can do. It's no longer a matter of pride or dignity or liking someone. I am going to have to guard against the hate that this person must feel, and use it like a weapon against her. I imagine that even if I bring the temple down around me like Samson, at least I'll have shown Delailah she hasn't beaten me yet.
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