Lost At Sea.

So apparently one of the big attractions in Puerto Rico is the bio luminescent bay. There are two such bays in Puerto Rico. The reason they glow is that plankton (whale food) absorbs sunlight all day. By dusk their glowing like folks who work at Chernobyl. Sounds super romantic doesn't it? A nice kayak at sunset only to then you can swim in glowing water. Chaz had done this before and I really wanted to, a.) It sounds really cool, b.) Chaz likes outdoor stuff like that. In fact every time I mention going camping (weekend) Chaz starts telling this story about how he spent 10 days in the Tennessee wilderness not showering. Gross! But I really want to like outdoorsy stuff because I like being outside and then I'm afraid he'll go and find someone more rugged to hang out with. c.) This little cruise sounded totally romantic. I like being romantic, and again I think this is one of those things that Chaz is really terrific at and me not so much. For him it's nothing to take me to a nice dinner or have a really nice surprise planned. Me, on the other hand, I'm romantic when I think about it and cook hims something nice for dinner. d.) Since I work out I didn't think kayaking would be difficult.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Dusk really meant pitch-black-night. We then wade out into the bay on a bed of sea weed. Not only did it smell like all of northern Puerto Rico had flushed their toilet here, but I was also walking on what felt like hair and had these biting bugs biting my flip-flopped feet. On a side note I found out the next day that Puerto Rico has beach lice. Why did no one tell me to bring any OFF!?

"Be sure you don't lean too far because the boat will tip!" Gee thanks for that awesome advice babe! So there we are in the middle of Toilet Bay, rowing like hell because the tour guide said something like "The last one there is a rotten egg." I have no idea whose bright eph-ing idea it was to give 10 tourists who've never rowed a boat before paddles and told them in so-many-words to get to end as. fast. as. they. can.

Oh, and instead of being in the boat with those that have never before set out upon the high seas, the tour guides are interspersed throughout the group. After we set off on the bay we almost hit a sting ray, and then go down the darkest tunnel I have ever seen in my life.

Even more awesome, the bio bay is at the end of a tunnel of mangrove trees that have grown to create a tunnel. Kind of makes you feel like Dorothy lost in the forest. In any case, aside from being natural water filters (mangroves are necessary to create bio luminescent bays) thesewonderful (wonduhful) trees are natural mosquito nests. It doesn't matter if it's winter, I'm a furnace and now matter what mosquitoes are going to think I'm prime pickins. I'm not sure if it's retribution for a century of pseudo-colonization, or that these guys just thought it would be funny to have a gaggle of American tourists who've never rowed a boat before run into big gnarled trees, but apparently the best place to see the lil' glowers is as close to the mangroves as humanly possible.

I'd like to say that I acted like an adult on this trip. But I didn't. There was this little girl that was in a boat with her dad, and she was ter-ri-fied. I felt her pain. Here I was in the middle of the dark ocean, with bits of glowing crap and sting rays. I was scared shit less.

The more she screamed the more I wanted to hit her off the boat with my paddle. Then I remembered that I was an adult. Well not really...

The thing is Chaz kept trying to be helpful and on top of being way out of my comfort zone I was also really embarrassed that I wasn't just like McGyver. So in the end I'm yelling at Chaz that I'm never fucking doing anything like this again damn it.

After about an hour we rowed back (that was way more fun!) and I have decided while seeing glowing plankton is cool, this wasn't worth the effort, the mosquito bites or getting back to the hotel so late that we didn't get to eat. Next time they'd better row me down that shit like Cleopatra getting rowed down the Nile.