Before, I never really thought about my faith. I don't mean that I took it for granted I just didn't think about it, didn't wear it on my sleave. I still don't. I find that presumptious, tacky, vulgar even. I have always thought that people who talk about their faith are trying to convince themselves they believe. Before, I thought I had it tough. Before, I didn't realize I had it easy. I had a complete family and firm ground. I didn't realize how little my faith has been tested. How little adversity I'd had to survive.
Sure, I wondered about "The Plan." Any time I faced an uphill battle or had a bad day at work, I wondered what the hell God was up to. In the past six months, though, I realize that faith is more than just believing that everything will be OK. Faith is trusting even when you don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Faith is not having all the answers and keeping your head up. You aren't going to get answers to your questions, you aren't even supposed to ask.
I can't help but think that at the end of the day, everything will be OK, if I keep going. That repeats in my head, "If you can just keep going it will be OK." the problem is, most days "keeping going" means just getting out of bed and making sure that my pretty girl face doesn't crack too much. Lately I find that I just want to know when I'll feel like it's going to be OK. When will I feel like myself again? When will I be untouchable? When will i just be able not to feel like crying when I feel anything?
So for me lately, faith is just keeping going. Faith is realizing I don't have all the answers, and I'm not supposed to. Faith is holding on to whatever Is left of my very-deepest-insides and just remembering to breathe. You see, when all you have left is different, you just have to believe that the decisions you make; a new job, new this, new that are going to be good ones. You have to believe that even if they're the wrong decision, you're going to be alright.
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