I would be lying if didn't acknowledge that 2011 has been a year of loss. Life-altering loss. When my father died, I changed. I don't laugh as easily, and everything is serious. Those pieces of charm that once softened my sharp edges are harder to muster, and get spent more quickly than they used to. Loss isn't totally an abyss. It's not like that hole in your dreams, full of nothing but limitless decent. Loss brings change and change brings many blessings.
I've learned so much about myself. I did things I'd never thought of doing before. New job, new hobbies, new me. I just wanted to escape, not feel. But you can't hide, you can't stop feeling and you have to get up and keep going everyday.
Change is a funny monster. Not comic, but sly, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Change doesn't always feel good, and there is no stopping it. Change makes you spend a lot of time looking back, because it's hard to see what's in front of you. Change makes you question who you are and where you're going. And change usually feels like being water-boarded (this is really just a metaphor, I have no actual knowledge of what water boarding feels like). It's grueling and constant, and it breaks you down.
You persevere. You keep going because the only other option is to give up. I was not raised to curl up and die. God does not make us that way. Eventually I think, you keep going until it doesn't hurt as badly anymore. It's not that things are any less painful, you just get used to it. Make not mistake I'm not clutching my like some teddy bear. It's just omnipresent. I've learned that I can survive it.
Change isn't all bad. I've learned much about myself. I'm stronger than I thought I was. I can carry much on my shoulders. I was made to keep going, so that's what I'm going to do.
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