Hey Einstein...

Albert Einstein once compared insanity to doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. This would seem to ring true. I totally believe in fate, or divinity. I like to think that there is a Higher Power looking out for me in heaven. They want me to do well. 

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." The verse from the book of Jeremiah sustained me from the time I got confirmed until I was half-way through college. It's a comforting thought. Beyond comforting to know that no matter how dark the sky and how high the wind there is a shelter, a place to go, sunrise peaking over the horizon. Now in my mid-twenties, I still remember that verse. The only one I can still say word for word. I still know, in my heart of hearts, the silent chamber that no one ever sees that this is true. 

If this is my belief, not thought, or dream or what have you, but my belief then why do I sweat the small stuff? I am usually pretty good about seeing the bigger picture, predicting the end. I have no idea whether this is some gift from my redneck ancetors, like Loretta Lynn asking "Whatchu see in them grouns Mommy?" Or, if worse, that this is something that happens because I think it will. A self-fulfilling prophesy. 

I'm not complaining. I also see that no matter how things don't work out the way I want them to, they do work out. That must be some kind of divine intervention. Because here is where the crazy part comes in. That one thing that I keep doing over and over. No matter what I see at the bottom of the coffee cup, or know that things will turn out in the end, I drive myself crazy trying to control what's in the middle. 

I dunno. I'm not one of these born-agains that thinks that they're just at the mercy of God at his chess board. I don't believe that praying will solve all your problems. Thinking maybe, but to just ask God to deliver you, well to me that's asinine. Since I've always given credence to my own power to affect my life I also believe that while there is a master plan, "God helps those that help themselves". That must be why I push constantly. I fully intend to break down doors, knock out windows, break souls all for the outcome that I want. While I'm leaving a swath of destruction a mile wide to bend everything to my will (despite the fact that I usually saw it happening in the first place) I pray like some Catholic fool. I light a St. Jude, finger a rosary and say "Please, Dear God (insert supplication)". Really, I'm not asking him to intercede for the cause. I'm hoping that he'll see that I know no other way out and he will pray for the ultimate lost cause, me.