Gratitude Journal

I came home tonight and fell asleep. At 5. Benevolent slumber. My grandmother slept like this when she was dying of cancer. The worse the assault on her body, the more she slept. The only respite. I don't have a brain tumor and I've only craved sleep like this one other time in my life. It was the only time I could stop thinking and breathe. I was a freshman in college. I was gay and scared in one of the most conservative colleges in the nation. I was fighting against something I couldn't change, and losing the battle. I had few people to trust and gossip and rumor were clouding around me. 

This week, teachers in DISD found out that 700 of us were going to lose our jobs. All I could see was my rent and bills (I pay those alone, because I live alone), as well as my student loan repayments and my new car payments. The car that i bought on the condition that I was going to be certified and get my raise and what not. The mis-management seems to fun far and deep. Once again I feel thrown to the wolves, something else to conquer and survive. Frankly I am a weary worrier, and even though I usually thrive on the fight, I find myself not wanting to have to fight this battle. Should it come to that I will, make no mistake, I came in fighting and it's all i do really well. 

Now this I must do this; I must list three things I am grateful for:

1. My friends and their saving grace. I am loved even when I don't deserve it. There is no word for my over-flowing heart.

2. I have some money in savings, and I am learning from long, hard mistakes. So many people do not.

3. I am respected at work and it is starting to show. No matter the outcome I know that I've done a good thing. 

4. I am grateful that it always works out. I am, somehow, always taken care of. I imagine that's Divinity and I am sure I do not deserve a fraction of the care  from above that I get.