I swear I have a heart...

Answering phones and talking to all different sorts of people, from what I'm sure are super-varied walks of life (I hope you can hear the sarcasm) should be really interesting. Of course you talk to a lot of angry people who are worn out and dscouraged from having to pay a ticket and then not understanding the grass-roots bureacracy of government in the United States. I could deal with that. Sometimes though I have to remind myself that sometimes these people are so angry becuase their tired, and worn out and desperate, because that "the business of living has made them so..."

I totally get that. Not so long ago (in fact shorter than being now and newly comfortable makes me realize) that was my voice. There's nothing like having to choose between peanut butter, bread and milk (about what you can afford on rising food costs and a smaller budget, remember desperation in the US is less than $30,000 a year) and having to pay this bill that can be several hundered dollars. I remember that feeling of trying to make it to the end of the week or even the end of the day when even $10 could throw off my budget for the month. Writing this now, I'm struck by how distant that feeling can be sometimes, even when it comes back to hit me in the grocery store or the mall or even at the gas station and I find myself whispering reassurances "you have the money" like a child who wakes up from a nightmare whispering "It's only a dream" after the monster has come out from under the bed and there you are staring at the open (albeit imaginary) grip of its teeth. I have immense empathy for anyone in that situation. I really do.

Here's what I don't get, what rubs me the wrong way. I can never and would never let that fear creep into my voice over the phone. More than that though, I would never let some stranger and even rarely my friends see that fear. I don't know where it began, but where I come from, it's just a fact of life and part of being an adult that you grin and bear. It could be a Southern thing, borne out of the desperation at the end of the Civil War, or it could come from the fact that I come from a long line of immigrants and share croppers who didn't have the sense to know any better. Let me put it this way: If I had to choose between begging and being hungry but keeping my pride, I could totally live on pride for a bit. Scarlett O' Hara may have been broke as hell but she tore some curtains down, turned them into a slamming dress and saved the day, that's more my style. Don't get me wrong, there's always something to be afraid of, or that you will fear or worry about, that's just life and it's ok. Here's what you have to remember tho; shit happens to everyone and we all have our own crosses.

Sometimes folks get confused and think that if you're strong, if you're tough , if you rip down the curtains and yell "They're my portiers now!" that by extension you have no heart. That's not true, but I'd rather have life think I can wrangle it by the balls instead of it thinking it can wrangle me by mine...