More than just a pretty face

I'm not sure how to begin this post, but it's something that's been nagging at the back of my mind for a while now. I am more than what you see on the outside. In fact the onion analogy (peeling back the layers you know...) doesn't even begin to suffice. In fact at 25 Anne Frank's "little bundle of contradictions" doesn't even do me justice. In fact I'm more like the gay brother on "Brothers and Sisters".

To look at me today, you never guess that just a bit ago, I was what I'd call the "ugly girl." Well not really, I was more like the less-than-good-looking chubby friend, which in the homosexual world means I was somewhere in the doggish catagory in the desireability scale. That coupled with trying to come to terms with my sexuality and just discover who I even was to begin with was kind of like a science experiment gone bad. A chemical burn you know must be harmful but you can't leave the room to save your life.

So what happend- well as it turns out I got a little aneorexic and pretty crazy and worked out like hell, and after a few years of that finally realized that you can't please everyone, and that being skinny doesn't make everyone like you. In fact I was such a bitch, all of the time, on account of hunger that I'm sure I lost friends over it. So I got over it, at least the not eating part. However I am a regular parishoner at Gold's, praying to the Virgin Mary of the Perfect Bod...

I'd pretty much say that a person's body image is like Santa Clause; it's not so much that you know whether or not it's actually true, but it's all about what you believe, and sometimes, maybe even most of the time, try as I might, I still believe that I'm the less-than-good-looking chubby girl. The point? Well this disbelief makes me totally discount any one who tells me I might be good looking. Plus that's just not humble to go around saying "No shit, I work pretty damn hard" all the time. Don't misunderstand, the attention is great but:

I am more than a pretty face. Just because I'm charming and funny on the outside doesn't mean I always am on the inside. Be prepared to see a change. This isn't Stepford. You get the charm and pretty face because that's what I want you to see. Most of it belongs to me, but some of it is a mask, because I learned that a pretty face and funny jokes make people like you.

I am more than a toy. For those of you who might read this (all 1.5 of you) just b/c I'm the size of a 5th grader doesn't mean I'm this child-doll, gay nypho thing that just wants to lay on my back, swoon and say "You go Big Daddy" all day. It also doesn't mean that I want you to tell me what I want to hear just so you can get what you want by giving me what you think I want. There's nothing wrong with a little lust now and then, but don't hide behind pretty words and then think that just b/c I have a drawl in my voice, something doesn't connect to my brain. Scarlett always said "fiddle-dee-dee" and then closed the trap. I'm not that cunning, not in the least. I do however, use it for protection ( If i want someone to always know what I think, I'd tell them outright) and I can generally spot a game. Plus, I'd respect you more if you're up front.

Here's the other thing. I don't look this way to be a sexual plaything ,orfor the compliements (again they're nice, dont get me wrong). I look this way because I want to, but I'm still more than some pretty face you can tell stories to.