Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...change of pace

It's really funny that the scene from "Sound of Music" that usually sticks in my head is the one where Julie Andrews is comforting the Von Trapp brood with a listing of a few of her favorite things. This confounds me first of all because I don't like musicals really and also the movie has Nazis and escape over the Alps which should be much more memorable. In any case this scene is the one that always pops up, seemingly for no reason.

I realize I've been in a bit of a funk this week. I can't quite place it, but since most of what happens to us is perspective, I thought I'd try and brighten mine. Blow the stink off so to speak. So, for today, I'll set aside my sturdy and well-worn soap box of semi-self righteous indignation and just write about a few things that make me more human, which i can't stand. I'm sure I'll regret this later...

I love the sunshine. Spring and summer have to be my two favorite seasons. I always marvel that for all the damage the sun can do, how comforting I find it that it still rises every morning. I don't care how awful you feel, I'm pretty sure that the first time you feel the sun on your skin when you step outside is a soothing moment. At first touch it's warm, soft, comfortable. A friend's touch almost. I like to think it's the smile of God.

Second to the sun is wind. Not the devestating wind of a tornado or the gust that leaves your hair a mess, but a nice sift breeze. For me that's God cupping my chin, looking me in the face and telling me he's glad I woke up this morning, even if I might fuck it up later, at least for that one moment, the air current swirling around my face, through my hair and rippling across my nose and eyes, I know there is a higher power.

Early morning, just before dawn and right after sunup is my favorite time of day. Unless something extraordinary happens I'm normally awake at this time. It's easy to imagine poised somewhere in the light and shadow, wrapped in pinks and yellows and deep soft purples that this is what the birth of the world looked like. No matter what has happend or will happen, there always will be a chance to start over.

I love coffee, any time, any place. Not only is it a legal drug that has no consumption warning on the outside, but I think, it's the ultimate facilitor and I like nothing more than being able to sit and linger with a mug warm in my hands. It is the definition of leasiure to me. Take a cup of coffee, the paper and a good breakfast and I can't think of anything better than sitting in your pj's till 10 or 11 not really giving a damn about what you have to get done or what you haven't gotten done.

I love horoscopes and reading mine in the paper, or for me on my Yahoo! homepage. But in the paper they're also right next to Dear Abby or some random on this day in history business. I never think knowledge is useless. At the very least it makes for a good story at a party after which someone invariably says "Bitner, where do you get this shit?"...

For being super lazy about it a putting it off I like chores. I love the smell of starch and a hot iron (in fact I'd hang out at the dry cleaners all day for this smell). I love how the fabric smoothes and becomes stiff. Perfect looking and serene all at the same time. I love towels right out of the dryer (this is a leftover from childhood and I can't even begin to place why I feel like Snuggle the Bear when I pull towels from the dryer). I like the cleanliness and order once everything is put away, shining and disinfected once you're done. I may not be able to change the world or always move mountains. This is some order in what I find to be a chaotic world.

I love laughing, and being sarcastic and not giving a rat's ass about what folks might think afterward. People are only going to see what they want anyway.

I love running. If I could I would run all the time, for hours and days and years and never stop I would (Think Forest Gump but not slow). It's the only time the contradictions in my head silence enough for me to focus. It's the only time I feel like I could ever hear God, and so even if I'm not in the mood to listen to Him, when I'm running I know the chance exists.

I marvel at how the smallest circumstance like smiling at someone or even the flip of a switch can turn into the best thing that happens to you all day. Call it fate or divinity, I don't care. It's still neat to step back and look at what happend because of it. The little choices can make big changes and that always surpises me. I rarely regret. Even if something turns out to be awful or I could have made another choice, I learned something from that particular instance. I became stronger or wiser. My brain got a wrinkle for it, my heart perhaps a scar, but for better or worse that is now who or what I am. Generally I don't think that should be changed.

I'm always continually surprised at my friends. Or maybe, I'm flabbergasted at the fact that they might want to be friends with me. I am not an easy person to live with. I think my little sister was probably more right than not when she told me this weekend, "I know I'm a bitch, but Steven sometimes you're an even bigger bitch than I could ever hope to be." I'd say the "business of living has made me so." I'm not sure if it's because I came into the world fighting but I believe that is my basest instinct the one that always pops up no matter what obstacle I'm confronted with. I'm positive I'll fight with God on my death bed, shake my fist in his face and tell him that's not how I need things to be. Needless to say this can rub folks the wrong way. Sometimes the tough shell, the sarcasm the weapons I use to fight every day, are all any one can see. I'm always amazed that even if that's all I'm capable of showing right then that my friends see past this. This is my redemption. It is not that I may be steadfast, loyal, funny, smart or willing to do whatever it takes to make someone I care about happy, it is rather, the simple fact that my friends see this even when it's not visible because I'm waging war with some force they can't see and can only guess at. I'm awed that in spite of most of my shortcomings (which are ALWAYS visible) they still seek me out, include me, bring me into the fold and ultimately bolster me up. This all seems so easy for them to do. No questions asked, nothing else required. A family not because you might have the same eyes, or nose or hair color, but instead because fate and circumstance threw you together to lean on one another at the same time, and so there you are. Your family can't choose you, but your friends can, and when they continue to do so in spite of whatever your shortcomings may be (and I have many, more than you can count on fingers and toes) I find that is my most favorite thing of all.